Friday 12 May 2017
bingbingwc100
One day I go to my house I have a slime in my hand and the slime dripped through the wall and I go get it and put it to the table and I walk to kitchen and I make a pizza I give to my mom and I go to play game in my computer I play counter strike and I stop play my game and go play with my chihuahua and husk I play with them for 1 hour and then I go to feed my dog and go to market with my mom and sister.
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6 comments:
I think it too much "and"
I like your writing but I think that you should use less "and". I also think that you should break your 1 big sentence into a few sentences.
Good try, keep it up. What you should do is have a full stop when you start a new idea. When you already mention dog you don't need to said "I go to feed my dog" you can just said "I go to feed them".
I really like your story I also like CSGO but maybe you could use more simple sentences in your story so it makes sense. You could do this ' I make a pizza and I gave it to my mom'.
I like your story and how you could relate to this. To make your story better you should add more full stops and commas, as well as, making a title to do with your story.
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